It Needed to Be Said

I don’t know what to say or where to start, I just need to vent. There are things I need to say that I know you’ll never hear and even if you did hear them, I know you’d never understand. Your mind and heart are not in a place where you can receive any of this and learn from it or progress. We haven’t spoken for two months now and I know it’ll be even longer if we both have our way.

There is a part of me that hates you passionately.

I hate every fiber of your being, the way you treated and spoke to me. I hate the way that you cast off my affections and commitment to you like they were a layer of dust and nothing more. I hate how I spent five years of my life trying to believe you were the one and you spent the majority of that time taking my every emotion for granted or invalidating my feelings. You seemed so shocked when I ended it for good it was almost laughable. You seemed to think that after all of these years I wouldn’t tire of being stepped on or chewed up and spit out by your depression and your egocentrism. Despite what you’re assuredly convincing yourself of now that I’m gone, I am a compassionate and thoughtful person. I am kind, empathetic, and considerate. I made a point of vocalizing and expressing my appreciation for every possible gesture you made toward me, as sparse as they were, and you told me that I was not grateful. You threw money at me when I asked for effort, bought me things to make up for thought or romance, and expected gratitude for nothing.

I hate that despite the words you fed me about feeling I was attractive and pretty you never failed to make me feel awful about myself in other ways, eventually even frankly stating the fact that I was too fat to be attractive once you started your love affair with the gym. Your soul-sucking emotional emptiness drained me faster than I could ever replenish my own well being; you said you sought to make me happy despite only doing so because you knew no other way to feel happy than by trying to please me … yet you only grew more angry and more desperate when your best attempts left you still empty and ever broken inside. I hate the way that, even now, the thought of those days and nights where I cried myself to sleep because I was never enough to make you happy fills me with nausea and fear. You instilled in me a sense of unworthiness rivaled only by my step parents. Some days I wish you had actually hit me so I’d have a reason to dread you the way I do, to validate the nightmares I have that I might once more feel the way you made me feel. No one should have the kind of negative impact you do on the ones they love. I hate you for the scars you raked into me that rocked me to my very core, ones that will likely affect my confidence and self worth for some years to come.

I hate you for what happened after. I hate that you couldn’t accept how finished I was with you and for throwing yourself at my feet as a “changed man”, begging pitifully for another chance among the dozens that I gave you. I’ve always caved to you, I had always come back to you in the past because you had such a way of convincing me that no one else would ever love me the way you did, and god I hope no one else ever does. I hope no one obsesses over me in such an unhealthy way, smothers me and simultaneously shoves me away like you did, doling out emotional devastation sprinkled with false happiness and hope for things to get better when they never do. I pray to the universe on a regular basis that what you put me through is the worst I’ll have to feel in this lifetime. I hate you for refusing to let me move on and grow and heal, I hate you even more for dragging me back more than once. I hated the nights I spent alone in my car because I felt unsafe around you almost as much as the nights I cried myself to sleep in my own bed next to you because you wanted nothing to do with me and refused to touch me.

I hate that the way you acted then and now is slowly eroding away the positive memories I have of our relationship. I hate that you took my innocence, broke it, and became angry with me when I told you that it was gone. I hate that you dared to ask for a clean slate many more times than you ever deserved it and that you became physically angry with me when I wouldn’t tell you that everything was ok, despite your knowledge of my stepdad and what I went through. I hate the way that deep in my core I feared you, feared your anger and your displeasure far more than any person should have to.

I hate the hypocrisy of the situation: what you did to me with in high school with her was far worse and more devastating than my defecting from our endlessly sour situation and spending time with someone who showed genuine interest in me. Even though some part of you knows that’s true, I would bet a part of my soul that you’re martyring yourself to some new girlfriend, telling Dena and Janie how I cheated and lied and used you. I hate you simply for the inevitability that you’re now trashing to me to many of the friends I’ve known longer than I knew you. I resent every past and future friendship of mine that has been destroyed because of your need for validation and rationalization.

When we first broke up I pitied you, then I grew to resent the way you guilt tripped me, which blossomed into the disdain I have for your pressuring me and clawing at me to come back and withstand more abuse. There was some sweet justice in seeing you bawl on the carpet of your bedroom, in the fetal position, begging for forgiveness that you never deserved but I was always willing to give. I hope it hurt, asshole. I hope I ripped a hole in your heart when I finally left to rival the one you stamped in mine for years on end. I hate that you made me spiteful and pitiless against my very nature and every inclination I have to love and be loved.

There is some primal part of me that hopes this new girl you found destroys you before you can do to her what you did to me. I hope however shallow and immature she is, she sees the parts of you that are perpetually broken and missing and makes it out unscathed. Perhaps her appearance will be enough to fill the pit your empathy and compassion disappeared into.

And yet

I still wish things hadn’t ended the way they did. I wish that the small part of you that emerges when you’re happy was still in my life, being the good friend I know you can be. I spent so long believing that there was good in you, a positive and happy person buried inside, that I would hate for him to go missing within your hollow shell. I will always miss your friendship, I cannot have shared my life with someone for so long without valuing some part of you. I hope for your sake that at some point in your life you take the time to be alone, without a relationship or any sham of one you might dig up in a barely legal high school girl, to figure your shit out. You will never find someone who wants to fix you; they’ll try and fail and be unfulfilled because the parts of you that are broken can be mended by no one but yourself. You say you had an epiphany and that suddenly you’re okay and I can tell you believed what you said, but it’s bullshit. You sold it to yourself so you could try and sell your newfound self to me and drag me back before I could manage to truly be free of you. You fed me everything I wanted to hear about you finally finding happiness within yourself and wanting me in your life rather than desperately needing me, but once more you never took the time alone you needed to solidify it and I don’t believe you ever will.
You will never fix yourself until you hit rock bottom and I can only hope for your mom and sister than your rock bottom is not as low as your dad’s.

Valentine's Day ...

     Yes, Valentine's Day has become overly commercialized. Yes, I know, flower shops and candy stores make a killing and most men hate feeling obligated to come through on that one day. Single people bitch about how depressing it is, but people in long term relationships bitch just as much because they 'have' to celebrate it. I love my boyfriend and he treats me wonderfully, but Valentine's Day is one thing we have never been able to agree on.


     Boyfriend says "I've never been a huge fan of valentine's day, but this year for some reason just feels unbearable. The idea of a hallmark holiday that traps people into certain social patterns ... the idea of making it special because society dictates it as a special day is stupid, why not treat your partner like that every day? why conform?" I completely agree with him, but there is not a single person I know who goes out of their way to treat their friends/family/partner that special on any day that isn't Valentine's Day, or a birthday, or Christmas. If he did write me a cute note on random occasions, maybe get me flowers or a balloon that I don't have to ask for, then I could see treating Valentine's Day like just another day. Women have the expectation that they're going to get at least a small nod from their boyfriends or husbands on that day, and they look forward to it because there is no other day of the year that is dedicated solely to making someone feel loved and thought of.


    Every male I know seems to miss the fact that if they have a girl or are in a relationship, then they too get to expect something special on Valentine's Day. I might not get my man flowers or a cheesy tie, but I happily planned a special homemade dinner consisting of his favorite foods to take to a drive-in double feature and a cute little card. It's not much, nor is it material or commercial; just a small nice night together during our busy work/school week. That's all women want. We don't want the things, we want the effort. And you know what guys? Yeah, we expect you to do something on valentine's day ... not just to make you conform with all the other couples, but because it has become the only day out of the calendar year that it's socially acceptable for us to want those special gestures from you. 


     Men used to have to formally court women and care for them, and while I'm glad that our society has moved forward enough to allow men and women to be equals, it saddens me that for the most part chivalry has died out. It becomes assumed that if you pay for a few dinners out together every couple months that a girl knows she's loved and cared for, but the effort and forethought involved in slipping a few bills on the table (while appreciated) is minimal. In long-running relationships we become complacent and days like the dreaded V-Day loose impact and importance, and we don't realize that without continuing to make those occasional special gestures the romance can fade away too.


   If not doing anything on Valentine's Day makes me sad, it's not because of a silly holiday or lack of cheap flowers and drugstore chocolates, its the fact that said boyfriend lets his qualms about a silly holiday keep him from celebrating us with me.

Setting Sail

     I just wanted to update on my new year so far. As always there are ups and downs, but I feel for the first time in my life that everything is finally coming together. Since high school my life has steadily improved in every aspect, but my progress in 2011 takes the cake. I've got a full roster between work and school, but I adore my classes thus far and soon have an opportunity to apply for an even better position at work. I'm enrolled in Web Design, Figure Sculpture, Modeling 1, and Digital Painting: every teacher I have this year is fantastic, entertaining, and artistically flamboyant in their own way (As any great art teacher should be).
    I received my early birthday package from my mom today, full of gorgeous clothes and my dream laptop. I don't know how she pulled it off, but I'm so grateful. I now have a portable digital studio for all of my art and schoolwork, in tandem with my newly acquired legitimate copy of Adobe's CS5.5 Design Premium. *SQUEE* The clothes fit amazingly, and despite my couple holiday-cookie pounds, I love the way I look in them :3 Also props to my parents for the pretty plum Nikon s4100 I got for Christmas, expect more pictures of me and my artwork to be popping up!
    I just joined a gym for the first time this week, and though I'm not very many days in, I already feel great physically and proud of myself for doing it; having work-out buddies is fantastic motivation too. I did so well with my 2011 resolution to lose weight I know I can keep up my 2012 resolution to get more fit and healthy.
    2012 marks the start of another happy year with Josh, and despite our long history and longer friendship, things have been great. It's invaluable to have someone to grow and mature alongside who understands everything about you. We're looking to move out together with our friends as roommates by this summer, and I can't wait.
     I can't believe I'll be twenty years old this Friday. Part of me is excited to be an adult, to move out and mature and enjoy the autonomy, another part of me is anxious that I'm gaining more and more responsibility and abandoning oh-so-familiar immaturity. Although the big 20 certainly isn't the 'fun' landmark birthday that 16 and 21 are, I'm extremely proud that I've done so well with my life and my choices so far; I'm not timid about moving forward because I've done better than I every expected. To date I've got a consistent 3.87 GPA at a noted four-year private college, a successful job in commissioned sales where I've been recognized multiple times for excellence in a field I never thought I'd end up in, and a happy, loving, and very fulfilling long-standing relationship.
     This morning as I drove down Hwy 87 in my well-earned little beater car that I'm so proud of, 80lbs lighter and 100% more confident than any previous year, I got to watch the sunrise. I realized that I was on my way to classes that I love in a field of study that I absolutely adore, and that despite my job-gripes I'm skilled and successful in my work as well as my education; I've made it. Despite the remnants of my inexperience, I'm finally an adult.

If I were my own Santa ...

     I love Christmas shopping: even when I was younger and had $10 in my pocket to divide between a dozen family members, I loved looking for gifts. The picking, planning, wrapping, and eminent surprise on Christmas day always excited me even more than the childhood excitement over what Santa would leave for me. This is the first year that I've had any substantial amount of money saved up for the holiday season ... I'm still a fairly poor college student working in retail, but thanks to frugal/smart/early shopping and several months of saving up I've managed to splurge on several people (especially my sister Nicole and brother Skyler).

      I'm not wanting for anything; I have pretty much everything I need and the few items I'd like to get in the future are expensive enough that I'd never expect them as presents, like my someday laptop. I did, however find some pretty cool things as I shopped for other people and have my own little Top 5 list for Santa. I wouldn't ask anyone to get my anything on it, but one of these days when I recoup from my holiday shopping spree I'll be getting them for myself. Birthday coming up soon? xD

1. A Kindle eReader

     I've always been a bookworm, but work and college life have limited my time and book access. The few times I find spare minutes I could use to read that guilty-pleasure Nora Roberts novel, I'm far from any kind of printed literature. Any eReader would be great, though I love everything I've heard about the Kindle and the access to e-library books. It'd definitely make getting and carrying my textbooks easier as well. ^_^

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005890G8Y/ref=famstripe_kt

2. A Nikon s3100 or s4100 Camera

     Quite literally anything besides a drugstore disposable camera would be a step up from my ten year old, AA battery, 3.2 megapixel Kodak camera. I've used it for years and never minded it, but now that it will no longer turn on, a new camera is definitely on my to-do list. In addition to being a cute girl with a rarely-updated facebook photo, my sculptures and art assignments need to be documented for a final portfolio and the cellphone camera shots are hardly professional. I'll never be one of those crazy DSLR kids with a camera that's worth more than my car, but a current point and shoot would be handy.

http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_00353172000P?prdNo=1&blockNo=1&blockType=G1

3. Dr. Who Fan-girl Swag

    The wonderful menagerie of cheesy Doctor Who merchandise, especially The Van Gough Tardis print and anything David Tennant/10th Doctor related; as much as I love the show, I have absolutely nothing cool or commemorative. It's my favorite tv show of all time, Santa should really fix that :3

http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/posters/eaf4/?srp=14

http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/cellphone/a150/?srp=4

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/accessories/9223/?srp=11

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/cubegoodies/8cff/?srp=22

4. Adorable Plushies

     I've seen too many cute plushies this year, though the quirky and often video game related ones are my favorites. The sushi and fuzzy microbes on ThinkGeek are definitely a winner. 

http://www.thinkgeek.com/clearance/on-sale/c4a6/
http://www.thinkgeek.com/clearance/on-sale/d351/

5. Clothes!

     More specifically, a gift card to H&M/Ross/Target etc ... or even someone to accompany me on a little shopping trip. I've got enough garments to cover my back, but I'd love some cute things I feel good about myself in that actually FIT me. I've dropped so much weight that even the clothes I've picked up along the way are far too big or baggy on me now. I know I'm not a kid anymore now that I actually want clothes for Christmas: shirts, jeans, blouses, bras, shoes, pretty much everything needs to be replaced. That's my mission for the upcoming year, so any cute clothes or accessories would be a huge hit with me <(^_^)>

Introduction to Sculpture

     I've got a few pictures of each project this year, my final is about halfway finished so there are a couple in-progress pictures of that. We work in sulfur based wax modeling clay, the same kind you'll see if you watch behind the scenes interviews for any animation studio. Each sculpture has an underlying armature, so there's a fairly technical aspect to each project as well as the artistic process. The armatures consist of varying gauges of wire, hot glue, plumber's epoxy, styrofoam, hot glue, and any other materials I might need to MacGuyver. I don't have any pictures of the naked armatures, but I'm sure I will next semester when I take Figure Sculpture. The grades I got are noted, and although I'm generally an A student, I'm even proud of my B's as Thomas Applegate's sculpture classes are notoriously graded.

Project #1 - Master Copy of Rodin's Meditaton (B+)
The reference from Stanford's Cantor Museum Sculpture Garden

The copy I made, my first foray into armature and modeling clay.

Project #2 - Hand of God (B)

We were tasked with, using our own hand as live reference, creating a narrative about God's hand in any literal, figurative, silly, or serious sense we could think of. My piece started out as tendrils of energy catching falling figures to symbolize our sense of security in God as our safety net. The tendrils and figures developed into something far more creepy, and in my mind the concept changed to how entangled we become in religions and dogmas. Our respective belief systems can entrap us in life and separate us from those whose struggles are akin to our own.

Project #3 - Animal Morph (A-)

This time we were told to create a creature, mythical or realistic, that was a combination of three different animals. The mix was supposed to be 40/40/20 % but mine turned into a more blended amalgamation of a Ball Python head and neck and the body, tail, and arms of both a lion and a velociraptor. My beloved animal, dubbed the Pylocilion, was the only project so far that I got an A of any kind on.

Project #4 - Final: Creature/Mythological/Gravity (TBD)

As I said, this guy is in progress and due 12/15, I'll update this blog post with finished pictures and a grade. He's a stone golem who will be emerging from a rocky mountainside. I went the extra mile, as the last frame shows, and gave him led eyes and a lit geode in his belly. Going well so far, I hope he turns out as successful as the handsome Pylocilion!

Short, Sweet, and Light!

     I'm dying to get back into blogging, so I plan on updating much more often but for the moment, just a quick update, I met all the goals I set for myself last year. I've lost a total of 80lbs, am a size 10/12, and feel fabulous. Some people gain the freshman fifteen, I lost the sophomore eighty ^_^ I've learned new ways to live and cook, as expensive as organics might be, and am loving life. I've recently chopped my hair into a ruby red severe a-line to match the new curves, and am in the process of grabbing new clothes that fit when I can afford them.

     Things have been solid with my high school sweetheart for almost a year straight, after all of our ups and downs we've finally managed a serene balance in our now-adult working lives. One of these days we'll have the means to live together, but for the moment we juggle weekends and evenings nicely.
     My 4th term at Cogswell (counting summer semester) is over next week, grades as good as ever. Although the material gets more challenging I've managed to do much more than keep my head above water; College and I have been kind to each other.

     I'm jumping for joy as I count down the days until Christmas Eve, the day I drive to my mom's house in frosty Southern Oregon for a home cooked white Christmas with the family. Cookies, old movies, presents, cocoa, and family galore. It's always nice to spend the holiday with those who truly cherish it; my mom has always made even the most frugal holiday seasons an absolute extravaganza of yuletide spirit. I've already finished my shopping and wrapping, early as it is. For now I wait, make sugar free cocoa, and watch classic Christmas movies :D I'll be off to the Vasona Lights tomorrow night with my San Jose family, followed by low-carb cookie baking and finishing touches on my sculpture final project. I'll be posting pictures of this semester's Introduction to Sculpture projects soon!

Getting Ready for the Holiday Season - Low Carb Style!

Low Carb Peanut Butter Cookies

1.3 grams of carbs per cookie
Makes about 40

1/2 cup sugar-free chunky peanut butter
3/4 cup heavy cream 
1/2 cup chopped pecans 
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
4 packets of sugar substitute 
2 tablespoons soy flour 
1 teaspoon baking powder

Pre-heat oven to 375 F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or a non-stick baking mat, or spray it with non-stick cooking spray. In a large mixing bowl blend together all ingredients. Drop by teaspoons on prepared baking sheet. Bake about 10 minutes or until set. Cool for 1 minute on baking sheet then remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Low Carb Almond Sugar Cookies

1-1/4 cup almond flour
1 cup Splenda
1/4 cup butter, at room temperature
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
additional Splenda, for decorating

Pre-heat oven to 350 F. Line baking sheets with parchment paper or a non-stick baking mat. Stir together flour and Splenda. Blend in butter, egg and vanilla until well mixed. Form into 1-inch balls on a cookie sheet and flatten each with a fork. Sprinkle with additional Splenda. Bake for 8 minutes or until set but not brown. Allow to cool for 2 minutes on baking sheet then remove to wire racks to cool.

Low Carb Snickerdoodles

Makes about 26

1/2 cup butter, softened
1-1/2 cups ground almonds
1 cup granulated Splenda
1 large egg 
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon baking soda 
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar 
2 tablespoons granulated Splenda 
1 teaspoon cinnamon

In a medium bowl, beat butter until creamy. Add half the ground almonds, 1 cup Splenda, egg, vanilla, baking soda and cream of tartar. Beat until well combined. Beat in remaining ground almonds. Cover and chill in bowl for 1 hour. Pre-heat oven to 350 F. In a small bowl, combine the 2 tablespoons Splenda and the cinnamon; mix well. Roll chilled dough into 1-inch balls. Gently roll each ball in the cinnamon-Splenda mixture to coat and place 2 inches apart on an ungreased baking sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes until lightly browned at the edges. Carefully remove from pan to cooling rack to cool completely.

Low Carb Hot Cocoa

Makes about 4

3 cups half and half
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
4 tablespoons Splenda or your favorite sugar substitute (add more or less to taste)
extra cream for whipped topping (optional)

Heat half and half in saucepan over medium heat, add cocoa and Splenda, wisking continuously. Do not allow to come to a boil. Add whipped cream for garnish if desired.

Love and Art

I found a piece I wrote during my senior year of high school, when I was still learning and coming to terms with what I went through. Though my views have amended to conclude that damaged love can be rebuilt and reconstituted, I find my previous insights no less intriguing.

     "Some people say that art is a reflection of emotion, of love, but in reality they are one and the same. Love is an art and art is a combination of all of the emotions involved in true love; a painting can show a wide range of color, can use more colors to create an image than the eye can recognize. One might see a picture of a beautiful woman and not realize that her even skin tone is a combination of ocher, crimson, chartreuse, and azure. In this same sense, a true loving relationship might appear simple and elegant, but is composed of trust, anger, affection, frustration, patience, and honesty. There is always more than meets the eye in a skillfully crafted relationship, as in any good painting.
     Love, like oil paints on canvas, begins blank. It develops through small strokes and layers, like the tiniest connections and bonds that from between people. A multitude of colors and thoughts and feelings are incorporated in the process of building this image. When an oil work is finished and dried, we admire it. The elegance and balance is astonishing; the skill and time involved in creating something beautiful does not go unnoticed. Such a painting might become a prized work that serves as an ideal or example to future artists. Yet, over time, oil paint cracks. Onlookers who view the painting regularly may not notice the colors fading, the warm tones and soft hues steadily yellowing. They would not be immediately alarmed as the top layers of the scene began to crumble and flake off of the under-painting. Someone who saw the painting for the first time, even a person who is unfamiliar with art, who realize that the once-blue skies have transformed to a sickly aqua. They would see that lush plant life browned and withered over time. An unfamiliar viewer would see the cracks and chips and question why no one ever tended to them.
     We, who treasure love as we do priceless oil paintings, would eventually try to restore the masterpiece. We would attempt to repair the damage, perhaps even paint over the layers upon layers of crackled image within the frame, but the damage would be there. The original, beautiful, skilled strokes that once graced such a lovely scene would be long-since faded and ruined. Perhaps centuries later viewers would be unaware of what the colors were originally meant to be. Future viewers would not lose the sense of awe that the original appreciators had, but that awe would be centered around the age of the painting as well as its survivability over the years rather than the beauty it once represented. Love is a painting. It is a layered scene of emotion, trust and affection that should be elegantly framed within stability and mutual dependence. An artist puts their heart on canvas as surely as a lover puts their into another's hands, though hearts are rarely treated with the due reverence that priceless oil paintings are.
     Our idealist nature romanticizes art as much as it does true love. We are forever seeking the vitruvian man of emotional connections; our views of relationships and love are often as skewed as the proportions of the human figure throughout artistic history. We often seek unrealistic perfection in both and thus the realistic experiences in daily life seem to pale in comparison. It is only upon our realization that elegant oil figures on canvas are skewed that we can love someone. We love fine works of art for their flaws, not in spite of them, an the same should apply to people in our lives. The smallest mistakes in the under-painting of a scene, disproportionate measures of a statue, or lengthened perspective in a drawing are all flaws to be embraced. Though, not all flaws may be overlooked. In love, as in art, there are certain standards that must be met.
    We might value a painting for its unique character, but if vital pieces were missing, or huge mistakes made on the part of the artist, the finesse of the painting would be lost. No one would have the kind of reverence for the Mona Lisa that they do if she had no nose. Onlookers would, in fact, become disillusioned and disappointed in their once-favorite artist. There are some fundamental mistakes that shake a person to the very core; if these mistakes are made in a loving relationship, one partner might see fit to forgive, but the disappointment and disillusionment would linger like a gash across canvas. There is, unfortunately, no way to repair such damage. Once a painting is torn, it can be patched but the integrity of the artist's work is forever lost. Trust can be rebuilt, but the mistake that damaged it cannot be undone.
     there is no end to the list of similarities and comparisons between love and art. They are integral to one another and inexplicably intertwined in the human psyche. Art is an extension of ourselves that is responsible for love, in all its macabre splendor. For any artist, the two are irrevocably paired; our work is influenced by the emotions and reflects all of the torn canvases we have endured."

Retail: Things Customers Should Learn

     So, I've worked at Sears for about a year now, and it has certainly given me some interesting insights on people and working in retail. Besides the usual gripes about coworkers, schedules, and who ate your lunch out of the employee fridge, I can say that I'm glad I work somewhere that emphasizes good customer service. I like helping people, talking to customers, and generally staying busy: I'm both lucky and that my job as a salesperson entails more interaction with people than just pointing them in the right direction. Although the majority of Sears customers are friendly and pleasant, a handful of them have remained in my memory and formed quite a list of pet peeves. If you ever interact with a salesperson, or anyone in retail, here are some little do's and don'ts that'll make everything easier.

•      Don't ignore me when I greet you. You would think this is a given, but it's not. At Sears we are trained to welcome everyone who walks in, measured by whether or not we do, and reprimanded if we don't. Normally my "Hi, welcome to Sears. What can I help you with today?" is accepted nicely or politely declined, yet every day without fail someone is completely rude about it. It never fails that someone glares at me silently and stalks off into the rear aisles of the electronics section as though my presence is an insult. The way you react to that greeting when you enter my area quickly determines the kind of service you're going to get from me; be polite and I'll be the most wonderful sales associate you ever worked with. : D

•      Don't assume your purchase gives you ultimate power over me. Yes, I work on commission, but that doesn't mean that I will bend over backward and break store policy so you won't return your purchase. Not long ago I had a woman come into my department to return some vacuum bags without a receipt; our store policy is no receipt/no return but she harangued me and threatened to return the $600 Dyson vacuum she purchased at our store if I wouldn't return the $7 dollars worth of old, opened vacuum bags. First of all, if the salesperson you're addressing didn't sell you whatever it is you're threatening to return, they don't CARE. It's not my commission or my paycheck you're affecting, the fact that I'm working with you on any transaction that isn't earning me commission is a humongous courtesy. ALSO: Even if you're returning something from my department, even if I'm selling you something and would lose commission if you walked away from the sale, your bad behavior is inexcuseable. Across the board I make about 1% commission on the tv's I sell ... your refusal to buy that $1500 flat-screen just because I won't give you an extra few bucks off, is not more than fifteen dollars off of my paycheck. I'd rather pay you fifteen bucks of my own to stay out of my department and go purchase somewhere else. Yes, the commission is nice, but in the year I've worked at Sears I can count maybe two sales that were large enough to make me endure rude, insufferable customers. 

•      Watch your kids in. I work hard to clean, organize, and stock the electronics section so it looks nice. I put together the shelves, displays, and TVs. I don't get paid to babysit your children while you're in another part of the store, nor am I paid to clean up after them. Anyone in retail can tell you horror stories about bodily fluids, dirty diapers, snot, and saliva in many places it shouldn't be ... I will suffice to say that there are bathrooms, changing stations, and babysitters for a reason. If you let your children demolish my 3D display, don't expect me to go out of my way to find items for you. As the oldest of several children I'm pretty understanding of how hard it is to shop while watching children, but if mothers of triplets or special needs kids can do so without destroying everything, so can you. 

• Don't come into my department thinking you know more than I do. I don't care if you did hours of internet research or know someone who's in the business, if you came to our store to purchase a tv rather than Fry's or Best Buy I'd bet its because of our customer service. Contrary to several customers' beliefs, the sales associates in each department are thoroughly trained and often go to trade shows and road shows to become even more knowledgeable and meet reps from every company. I'm in electronics because I'm a gamer/nerd; I'm good at what I do and dealing with technology every day means I probably know a little more about how well it works than what some Yahoo! Answers question can tell you. Ask all the questions that you want, but don't argue with me: don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about and don't preach to me about what you think you know. As soon as someone starts doing that my only interest is to get them out of my department as quickly as possible.

• Don't haggle. My store isn't a flea market. I don't have control over the prices or sales, what they include or exclude, and pressuring your salesperson about it will only irritate them. What you're buying in my store is the price the tag says because corporate says so, no amount of complaining to any manager or supervisor is going to change that. No, I won't give you an extra 10% off or void the legally required recycling fee just because you want me to. Don't offer me ultimatums about things that aren't under my control and then storm out when you don't get what you want.

     All of that seems like a lot, but if you're ever going to make a big purchase like a TV or washer and dryer set, trust the salespeople. We know quite a bit about what we're doing, and what we don't know we do our best to find out for you. Be courteous, be patient, and most of all be respectful. Just because I'm behind a register or because I work on commission doesn't mean you can treat me like crap. If you're a friendly customer I'll find good deals and promotions and give you the best service I can, simple as that.

What a day ...

Well, this week has been long and interesting, today especially, so I just want to get some of it out.

First of all my weight loss has been amazingly successful, I started dieting in March and have lost 60 pounds to date ... I dropped from a size 22 to a size 12/14 and I'm amazingly proud of myself.

Secondly, I've gotten back in touch with my friend Chealsey: I never figured I'd hear from her again, let alone have a chance to put the past behind us. After catching up with her for the better part of three hours, I feel like I finally get some kind of closure; our past year and a half of hardship and bitterness seems to be officially in the past and I hope that she and I can continue to be in touch because I sorely miss my best friend. I'm glad that our previous five years of closeness weren't loss in the mess we made during our senior year of high school.

I also heard from my cousin Charlie, a once-close relative who disappeared into juvenile hall and the Oregon state system for the last seven years. Good to know he's alive and well, and that I might get to see him again some day.

I took a little leap and started looking at possible studio apartments in the area for Boyfriend and I, the idea is exciting and terrifying all at once. I know that it'd be financially difficult at the moment, but we are setting a goal within the next year to move in together, and it makes me happy to know that monthly rates for our small needs are actually doable.

My week-long vacation on the Oregon coast was relaxing and refreshing, I missed my family so much, but my first day back has been even better. My stress about healthy groceries, car insurance, and gas money was eased by surprise finanical aid  support. I got to spend a day grocery shopping, cooking, and cuddling with my wonderful boyfriend whom I missed terribly while I was away.

Life is stressful on a daily basis but when I step back and take note that I'm looking and feeling amazing, have a car, a job, great college grades, and a loving partner, I really can't think of anything that could shake my happiness. I'm certainly loving life in a way I never have before ... finishing high school was officially the best thing that ever happened to me.

Puppies and Gremlins

I'm not sure how odd it is to think in extended metaphors, but I usually do. When I'm trying to make sense of things or think about emotions, the visual part of me tends to kick in and create some kind of metaphorical imagery to illustrate where my mind is going, and when those metaphors are interesting or I feel they effectively describe what I'm feeling I jot them down. While trying to take stock of my emotional and mental state earlier today, I came across yet another extended metaphor.

I was always told that 'every day is a gift' and implored to uphold the mentality that we should always be grateful to be alive. What I've realized after everything I've been through, is that each day is quite literally a present ... a mysteriously shrouded or wrapped thing we know is awaiting us, the contents unpredictable and the possibilities unlimited ... yet more often than not those presents contain nothing we ever wanted.

When I mention unwanted presents, I'm not referencing the pair of socks from grandma that all little kids threw to the side on Christmas morning, I mean the kind of present that you want to fling back at the giver with all your might. This is where my mental metaphor really started to kick in. It's as though every day you wake up to a wrapped present and the first thing you do in the morning is open it: you've been told your whole life that if you try your hardest and do well that you'll be rewarded by, say, a puppy. What no one told you as a child is that nine times out of ten you'll unwrap, not a puppy, but some kind of gremlin.

In my mind, a 'puppy day' is one that (as every day does) will take some work. You've got to nurture it, care for it and tend to its needs, but it will love you in return. You end up with a fulfilling sense of affection and appreciation for the work that you put in. A 'gremlin day', in my experience, is one that comes unwrapped because you don't have to wait to find out what kind of day it's going to be. Unlike the puppy option, the gremlin takes your effort, affection, nurturing, and hard work and simply devours it. It drains you of all the energy and emotion you have to give and screeches for more. It slaps you awake, spits in your coffee, and follows you around all day to insult, demean, and belittle you. It whispers horrible thoughts in your ear until your self-worth and confidence have melted and then laughs and demands even more of your effort. When you think you're about to escape it, that gremlin follows you home and continues its work late into the night, affecting even your dreams. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what I'm talking about when I say that a gremlin kind of day is when you wake up late, with a headache; you feel exhausted before your eyes open. You feel drained and empty and have no interest in interacting with other human beings and are unable to see the positive side of any of your efforts because everything seems so overwhelming. You simply struggle through from morning until nighttime with fragmented hope that tomorrow will be a 'puppy day'.

The other part that no one tells you as a child is that when you unwrap a puppy and experience that rare sense of fulfillment, it goes away in the evening. It fades away and you toy with chance again the next morning, wishing and hoping another puppy day comes along. The good fades, but the gremlin sticks with you for several days at a time: when it should fade away it instead clings to your subconscious and claws at your hope. When you keep unwrapping gremlins every morning they fester and multiply rather than fading until it feels as though no amount of 'puppy days' will ever counteract the damage that has been done.

When people describe feeling as though they've got a 'cloud over their head' I imagine the gaggle of vicious, unwanted, gremlin fiends they've opened every morning throughout the last week and hope that their next puppy will be strong enough to fight them off. So with regards to that, I say I've experienced a slew of gremlins and weak puppies and hope someone out there will understand what I mean.

Today's Plan

So I'm tired of being overweight. I generally accept by body as is and feel pretty good about it, but I'm really tired of having to work constantly to have a positive self-image. I plan on losing some weight and have set several small goals for me to meet rather than big, scary, overwhelming ones. I figure posting it on here will help keep me motivated. As for exercise I've restarted my favorite belly dancing regimen and plan to start classes soon (hopefully). I don't have much time but I'm hoping that calorie watching and a job in retail will help just a little bit xD Wish me luck.

I'll be measuring my weight loss in sizes not pounds, because to me at least, sizes are what really counts ^_^ I'd love to be a size ten by this time next year, maybe if I work harder than I wish that can happen.

Then and now ^_^

So I'm ending my second month at Cogswell College in Sunnyvale, CA. The school is amazing, the people are more amazing, and what I've learned so far has already helped me immensely. I landed a job at the local Sears, selling televisions no less, and have a full schedule. Tuesdays I have class from 10am to 7pm almost nonstop,. Thursday I have class from 10am to 4pm, Friday I have class from 10am to 6pm and on every school day my commute is three hours round trip x.x Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday I work. It has been hectic and crazy and stressful and I LOVE IT. :D

I just got back from BlizzCon 2010 in Anaheim, CA. My dad and I drove down last Thursday morning and made the trip home overnight on Saturday. The con was GLORIOUS! I met Sam 'Samwise' Didier, Chris Metzen, Richard A. Knaack, and Oxhorn once again. Fruit Dealer did a live Starcraft II exhibition game, Tenacious D played the closing concert, and there were miles and miles of beautiful digital art for me to drool over. I'm excited for the new World of Warcraft expansion Cataclysm, as well as Diablo 3 and the SC2 mod maps. I got a signed copy of Knaack's new book, a badass shirt, and a deathy murloc pet for my level 80 tauren druid. FOR THE HORDE!!!

Thing's have been steadily getting better. I really can't complain about much, other than lack of sleep from my full schedule, but I feel like I'm finally being rewarded for all the things I've had to suffer through. My belief in karma is reaffirmed and I relish the blessed life I've been living lately. I don't have all my ducks in a row yet and I certainly don't have all the answers, but I feel as though everything will just work itself out and I no longer have to worry.

I'll be wearing my maid cafe outfit to school for Halloween this year, and it appears I'll be going to Great America's HAUNT this weekend with a mob of friends. I don't have much to say other than:

"I like life
Life likes me
Life and I fairly fully agree
Life is fine
Life is good
'Specially mine, which is just as it should be
I like pouring the wine and why not?
Life's a pleasure that I deny not

I like life
Here and now
Life and I made a mutual vow
'Till I die
Life and I
We'll both try to be better somehow" 

Brownie points if anyone ever guesses what that's from! I'll just leave you with a piece of art from Samwise which is a tribute to Fruit Dealer's Starcraft II win in the Global Finals:

Bananalisk, Applelord, and Grapeling ;D

Seems like forever

Since I last published something on here. I changed my portfolio concentration last minute and pumped out 12 fabulous penguin pieces. I graduated highschool with a 3.65 GPA, Summa Cum Laude, and am relishing my last free summer. I found out this morning that I'll be attending a private art college in Sunnyvale, something I've worked towards for the last four years. I feel as though I've finally found a place to be in the world and made attainable goals. The leap to college is daunting, but I'm ready. Although I only received a score of 3/5 on my AP 2D Design portfolio, I'm not going to let anything hold me back. The Digital Arts and Animation program at Cogswell Polytechnical College will hopefully set me straight and nurture the creativity and skill I know I have. I'm anxiously awaiting my orientation on August 19th.

Personally, things have begun to improve. I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally, and the love of my life returned, albeit with some resistance on my part. It hasn't been the easiest road, but having him back and taking a second chance at the real love I found has brought part of me back to life. He and  I both had time to grow and learn during our six months apart, and I'm gambling with my heart when I bet that the two of us have a chance at this, but it's one I was and am willing to make. He made mistakes, I handled them incorrectly, but throughout the entire ordeal I remained true to my self and my values and became stronger by pulling myself through. Hopefully he can learn to appreciate the independant and strong person I have become. It's still bumpy, getting to know eachother once again and rehashing old issues for the sake of improvement, but I can only hope that the outcome is worth the effort. I know that despite everything, he lights up my life and gives me a little extra happiness on top of the positivity that I create for myself. Having him as I move forward into college will be helpful, stability and security in a time of uncertainty and chaos.

On a lighter note, I got my industrial piercing. It's fantastic and I love it, it makes me want to get more piercings xD Next on my list a helix piercing and my tattoo. I also need to line up a job in good ole San Jose (good luck with that), and wheels of some kind, although my dream school is accessible by VTA Lightrail. At the moment I'm enjoying a vacation with my family in southern Oregon, relaxing, drawing, dancing, cooking, and laughing all the while. I miss him, but even on my down days being around my siblings and my mom really does spark up my life. I feel homesick because he's not here, and because I have a wonderful higher education to look forward to, but this place will always have a special sense of 'home' for me.

Keep pushing till the end

I'm almost finished with high school now, freedom is so close I can almost taste it. Each day at this point is simply a grind to get through it, and the next day, until I escape into the real world. Everyone says high school is the best time of your life, and I will admit that I've had some good experiences and great memories, but I know that it's time for me to move on; I want to move forward in my education, my career, and my exploration of self in ways that high school simply cannot accommodate. Soon I'll be able to bid my anxiously awaited 'adieu', but until then I leave a poem my Edna St. Vincent Millay that caught my interest.

"I will put Chaos into fourteen lines

I will put Chaos into fourteen lines
 And keep him there; and let him thence escape
 If he be lucky; let him twist, and ape
 Flood, fire, and demon --- his adroit designs
 Will strain to nothing in the strict confines
 Of this sweet order, where, in pious rape,
 I hold his essence and amorphous shape,
 Till he with Order mingles and combines.
 Past are the hours, the years of our duress,
 His arrogance, our awful servitude:
 I have him. He is nothing more nor less
 Than something simple not yet understood;
 I shall not even force him to confess;
 Or answer. I will only make him good."

-- Edna St Vincent Millay

Long, long ago ...

What can I say, it has been ages since I last posted. I'm a different person, in a different situation, with a changed outlook on life ... the girl who wrote something on here last February is officially gone. In some sense I'm still me, but I was forced to mature in ways I didn't think were possible. I'm less naive, more aware and analytical, and slightly less trusting (albeit with good reason). I've developed a lot as person, found a sense of identity and self-worth that I once lacked. What I had to, and still have to occasionally, feel is something I wouldn't wish on anyone yet neither is it something I would erase. The course of events over these last few months has taught me valuable lessons about myself and my fellow man that are simply priceless. Thank you, to those people who treated me poorly and broke me down, without you I wouldn't have found the motivation to change myself and my situation for the better.

On a lighter note, gracious thanks to those friends of mine who treated me well and still do. The few of you have been more helpful and supportive than I ever could have imagined. Your presence in my life makes those hard days more bearable and the good days more wonderful; I wish wonderful things for each of you. Special thanks to someone in Santa Barbara, CA for making me laugh and smile even on the worst days. Just talking to you makes me feel the happiest I've been in years <3

I'm more than ready to escape highschool, to move on to college and then greater things. This transition used to frighten me, but now I await it anxiously in hopes of continuing to improve myself.

I've been diving into artwork and other creative ventures as of late, doing more constructive and positive things with my life. Pictures of my new pieces will be coming soon. Painting has given me a sense of solace, sculpting grants me a period of contemplation, sewing has nurtured a drive and creativity that I never knew I had, and music serves as an outlet for what I can't say.

I've been seeing a therapist as of late, who has helped me analyze my life and my relationships (family and otherwise). She has been immensely helpful and supportive as well, forcing me to talk when I need to but don't know how. Being able to find my voice for the first time in years has had a huge impact on me and those in my life.

I also went to Camp Everytown, it's an experience that is impossible to describe. I must simply say that I hope everyone has a chance to experience something similar in their lifetime, because it truly changed me for the better. I have an even more extended family and amazing friends because of it.

Some catching up

So I haven't written about anything in a while because things have been hectic. My life is chaotic and I have to learn to cope with it for better or for worse. My 18th birthday was the best day I can remember in months, I got balloons and flowers and went out to a great dinner, so thanks for the love everyone. :] In order to cope with everything that has been going on I've thrown myself into my artwork pretty intensely. I finished the first piece for my illustration concentration and am developing the next work at the moment. I also picked up some new painting supplies and have been doing acrylics on the side to keep from getting too burned out on my concentration. My current painting, more therapy than true assignment, has a special place in my heart since it has been a positive outlet for some real frustration and emotion. I'm either titling it 'Some fall with grace' or 'Elegant Demise', though I'm not sure which. Pics soon! For now I'll post my first concentration work <3.

Moving Up

Lots to say :D

I just got an Intuos4 Large tablet, which is godlike. My digital paintings are going to multiply now haha.
http://www.wacom.com/intuos/large.php

The Portfolio Day in San Francisco was great, I got a ton of useful input/feedback on what I can do to improve my work and several schools said I had quite a few strong pieces. Gotta hang with my art teacher all day xD Good thing she's awesome.

Life has been pretty good over all, and steadily improving. I'm officially halfway done with my senior year and I can't wait until my 18th birthday next week ^_^ Should be fun stuff. Eventually I'll be getting a tattoo of my clarinet watercolor painting when I have the money, and an industrial piercing.

P.S. I'm lovin my new phone and the new people I get to text with it <333 And someone keeps making my days even more awesome :D You know who you are.