Puppies and Gremlins

I'm not sure how odd it is to think in extended metaphors, but I usually do. When I'm trying to make sense of things or think about emotions, the visual part of me tends to kick in and create some kind of metaphorical imagery to illustrate where my mind is going, and when those metaphors are interesting or I feel they effectively describe what I'm feeling I jot them down. While trying to take stock of my emotional and mental state earlier today, I came across yet another extended metaphor.

I was always told that 'every day is a gift' and implored to uphold the mentality that we should always be grateful to be alive. What I've realized after everything I've been through, is that each day is quite literally a present ... a mysteriously shrouded or wrapped thing we know is awaiting us, the contents unpredictable and the possibilities unlimited ... yet more often than not those presents contain nothing we ever wanted.

When I mention unwanted presents, I'm not referencing the pair of socks from grandma that all little kids threw to the side on Christmas morning, I mean the kind of present that you want to fling back at the giver with all your might. This is where my mental metaphor really started to kick in. It's as though every day you wake up to a wrapped present and the first thing you do in the morning is open it: you've been told your whole life that if you try your hardest and do well that you'll be rewarded by, say, a puppy. What no one told you as a child is that nine times out of ten you'll unwrap, not a puppy, but some kind of gremlin.

In my mind, a 'puppy day' is one that (as every day does) will take some work. You've got to nurture it, care for it and tend to its needs, but it will love you in return. You end up with a fulfilling sense of affection and appreciation for the work that you put in. A 'gremlin day', in my experience, is one that comes unwrapped because you don't have to wait to find out what kind of day it's going to be. Unlike the puppy option, the gremlin takes your effort, affection, nurturing, and hard work and simply devours it. It drains you of all the energy and emotion you have to give and screeches for more. It slaps you awake, spits in your coffee, and follows you around all day to insult, demean, and belittle you. It whispers horrible thoughts in your ear until your self-worth and confidence have melted and then laughs and demands even more of your effort. When you think you're about to escape it, that gremlin follows you home and continues its work late into the night, affecting even your dreams. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what I'm talking about when I say that a gremlin kind of day is when you wake up late, with a headache; you feel exhausted before your eyes open. You feel drained and empty and have no interest in interacting with other human beings and are unable to see the positive side of any of your efforts because everything seems so overwhelming. You simply struggle through from morning until nighttime with fragmented hope that tomorrow will be a 'puppy day'.

The other part that no one tells you as a child is that when you unwrap a puppy and experience that rare sense of fulfillment, it goes away in the evening. It fades away and you toy with chance again the next morning, wishing and hoping another puppy day comes along. The good fades, but the gremlin sticks with you for several days at a time: when it should fade away it instead clings to your subconscious and claws at your hope. When you keep unwrapping gremlins every morning they fester and multiply rather than fading until it feels as though no amount of 'puppy days' will ever counteract the damage that has been done.

When people describe feeling as though they've got a 'cloud over their head' I imagine the gaggle of vicious, unwanted, gremlin fiends they've opened every morning throughout the last week and hope that their next puppy will be strong enough to fight them off. So with regards to that, I say I've experienced a slew of gremlins and weak puppies and hope someone out there will understand what I mean.

Today's Plan

So I'm tired of being overweight. I generally accept by body as is and feel pretty good about it, but I'm really tired of having to work constantly to have a positive self-image. I plan on losing some weight and have set several small goals for me to meet rather than big, scary, overwhelming ones. I figure posting it on here will help keep me motivated. As for exercise I've restarted my favorite belly dancing regimen and plan to start classes soon (hopefully). I don't have much time but I'm hoping that calorie watching and a job in retail will help just a little bit xD Wish me luck.

I'll be measuring my weight loss in sizes not pounds, because to me at least, sizes are what really counts ^_^ I'd love to be a size ten by this time next year, maybe if I work harder than I wish that can happen.

Then and now ^_^

So I'm ending my second month at Cogswell College in Sunnyvale, CA. The school is amazing, the people are more amazing, and what I've learned so far has already helped me immensely. I landed a job at the local Sears, selling televisions no less, and have a full schedule. Tuesdays I have class from 10am to 7pm almost nonstop,. Thursday I have class from 10am to 4pm, Friday I have class from 10am to 6pm and on every school day my commute is three hours round trip x.x Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday I work. It has been hectic and crazy and stressful and I LOVE IT. :D

I just got back from BlizzCon 2010 in Anaheim, CA. My dad and I drove down last Thursday morning and made the trip home overnight on Saturday. The con was GLORIOUS! I met Sam 'Samwise' Didier, Chris Metzen, Richard A. Knaack, and Oxhorn once again. Fruit Dealer did a live Starcraft II exhibition game, Tenacious D played the closing concert, and there were miles and miles of beautiful digital art for me to drool over. I'm excited for the new World of Warcraft expansion Cataclysm, as well as Diablo 3 and the SC2 mod maps. I got a signed copy of Knaack's new book, a badass shirt, and a deathy murloc pet for my level 80 tauren druid. FOR THE HORDE!!!

Thing's have been steadily getting better. I really can't complain about much, other than lack of sleep from my full schedule, but I feel like I'm finally being rewarded for all the things I've had to suffer through. My belief in karma is reaffirmed and I relish the blessed life I've been living lately. I don't have all my ducks in a row yet and I certainly don't have all the answers, but I feel as though everything will just work itself out and I no longer have to worry.

I'll be wearing my maid cafe outfit to school for Halloween this year, and it appears I'll be going to Great America's HAUNT this weekend with a mob of friends. I don't have much to say other than:

"I like life
Life likes me
Life and I fairly fully agree
Life is fine
Life is good
'Specially mine, which is just as it should be
I like pouring the wine and why not?
Life's a pleasure that I deny not

I like life
Here and now
Life and I made a mutual vow
'Till I die
Life and I
We'll both try to be better somehow" 

Brownie points if anyone ever guesses what that's from! I'll just leave you with a piece of art from Samwise which is a tribute to Fruit Dealer's Starcraft II win in the Global Finals:

Bananalisk, Applelord, and Grapeling ;D

Seems like forever

Since I last published something on here. I changed my portfolio concentration last minute and pumped out 12 fabulous penguin pieces. I graduated highschool with a 3.65 GPA, Summa Cum Laude, and am relishing my last free summer. I found out this morning that I'll be attending a private art college in Sunnyvale, something I've worked towards for the last four years. I feel as though I've finally found a place to be in the world and made attainable goals. The leap to college is daunting, but I'm ready. Although I only received a score of 3/5 on my AP 2D Design portfolio, I'm not going to let anything hold me back. The Digital Arts and Animation program at Cogswell Polytechnical College will hopefully set me straight and nurture the creativity and skill I know I have. I'm anxiously awaiting my orientation on August 19th.

Personally, things have begun to improve. I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally, and the love of my life returned, albeit with some resistance on my part. It hasn't been the easiest road, but having him back and taking a second chance at the real love I found has brought part of me back to life. He and  I both had time to grow and learn during our six months apart, and I'm gambling with my heart when I bet that the two of us have a chance at this, but it's one I was and am willing to make. He made mistakes, I handled them incorrectly, but throughout the entire ordeal I remained true to my self and my values and became stronger by pulling myself through. Hopefully he can learn to appreciate the independant and strong person I have become. It's still bumpy, getting to know eachother once again and rehashing old issues for the sake of improvement, but I can only hope that the outcome is worth the effort. I know that despite everything, he lights up my life and gives me a little extra happiness on top of the positivity that I create for myself. Having him as I move forward into college will be helpful, stability and security in a time of uncertainty and chaos.

On a lighter note, I got my industrial piercing. It's fantastic and I love it, it makes me want to get more piercings xD Next on my list a helix piercing and my tattoo. I also need to line up a job in good ole San Jose (good luck with that), and wheels of some kind, although my dream school is accessible by VTA Lightrail. At the moment I'm enjoying a vacation with my family in southern Oregon, relaxing, drawing, dancing, cooking, and laughing all the while. I miss him, but even on my down days being around my siblings and my mom really does spark up my life. I feel homesick because he's not here, and because I have a wonderful higher education to look forward to, but this place will always have a special sense of 'home' for me.

Keep pushing till the end

I'm almost finished with high school now, freedom is so close I can almost taste it. Each day at this point is simply a grind to get through it, and the next day, until I escape into the real world. Everyone says high school is the best time of your life, and I will admit that I've had some good experiences and great memories, but I know that it's time for me to move on; I want to move forward in my education, my career, and my exploration of self in ways that high school simply cannot accommodate. Soon I'll be able to bid my anxiously awaited 'adieu', but until then I leave a poem my Edna St. Vincent Millay that caught my interest.

"I will put Chaos into fourteen lines

I will put Chaos into fourteen lines
 And keep him there; and let him thence escape
 If he be lucky; let him twist, and ape
 Flood, fire, and demon --- his adroit designs
 Will strain to nothing in the strict confines
 Of this sweet order, where, in pious rape,
 I hold his essence and amorphous shape,
 Till he with Order mingles and combines.
 Past are the hours, the years of our duress,
 His arrogance, our awful servitude:
 I have him. He is nothing more nor less
 Than something simple not yet understood;
 I shall not even force him to confess;
 Or answer. I will only make him good."

-- Edna St Vincent Millay

Long, long ago ...

What can I say, it has been ages since I last posted. I'm a different person, in a different situation, with a changed outlook on life ... the girl who wrote something on here last February is officially gone. In some sense I'm still me, but I was forced to mature in ways I didn't think were possible. I'm less naive, more aware and analytical, and slightly less trusting (albeit with good reason). I've developed a lot as person, found a sense of identity and self-worth that I once lacked. What I had to, and still have to occasionally, feel is something I wouldn't wish on anyone yet neither is it something I would erase. The course of events over these last few months has taught me valuable lessons about myself and my fellow man that are simply priceless. Thank you, to those people who treated me poorly and broke me down, without you I wouldn't have found the motivation to change myself and my situation for the better.

On a lighter note, gracious thanks to those friends of mine who treated me well and still do. The few of you have been more helpful and supportive than I ever could have imagined. Your presence in my life makes those hard days more bearable and the good days more wonderful; I wish wonderful things for each of you. Special thanks to someone in Santa Barbara, CA for making me laugh and smile even on the worst days. Just talking to you makes me feel the happiest I've been in years <3

I'm more than ready to escape highschool, to move on to college and then greater things. This transition used to frighten me, but now I await it anxiously in hopes of continuing to improve myself.

I've been diving into artwork and other creative ventures as of late, doing more constructive and positive things with my life. Pictures of my new pieces will be coming soon. Painting has given me a sense of solace, sculpting grants me a period of contemplation, sewing has nurtured a drive and creativity that I never knew I had, and music serves as an outlet for what I can't say.

I've been seeing a therapist as of late, who has helped me analyze my life and my relationships (family and otherwise). She has been immensely helpful and supportive as well, forcing me to talk when I need to but don't know how. Being able to find my voice for the first time in years has had a huge impact on me and those in my life.

I also went to Camp Everytown, it's an experience that is impossible to describe. I must simply say that I hope everyone has a chance to experience something similar in their lifetime, because it truly changed me for the better. I have an even more extended family and amazing friends because of it.

Some catching up

So I haven't written about anything in a while because things have been hectic. My life is chaotic and I have to learn to cope with it for better or for worse. My 18th birthday was the best day I can remember in months, I got balloons and flowers and went out to a great dinner, so thanks for the love everyone. :] In order to cope with everything that has been going on I've thrown myself into my artwork pretty intensely. I finished the first piece for my illustration concentration and am developing the next work at the moment. I also picked up some new painting supplies and have been doing acrylics on the side to keep from getting too burned out on my concentration. My current painting, more therapy than true assignment, has a special place in my heart since it has been a positive outlet for some real frustration and emotion. I'm either titling it 'Some fall with grace' or 'Elegant Demise', though I'm not sure which. Pics soon! For now I'll post my first concentration work <3.

Moving Up

Lots to say :D

I just got an Intuos4 Large tablet, which is godlike. My digital paintings are going to multiply now haha.
http://www.wacom.com/intuos/large.php

The Portfolio Day in San Francisco was great, I got a ton of useful input/feedback on what I can do to improve my work and several schools said I had quite a few strong pieces. Gotta hang with my art teacher all day xD Good thing she's awesome.

Life has been pretty good over all, and steadily improving. I'm officially halfway done with my senior year and I can't wait until my 18th birthday next week ^_^ Should be fun stuff. Eventually I'll be getting a tattoo of my clarinet watercolor painting when I have the money, and an industrial piercing.

P.S. I'm lovin my new phone and the new people I get to text with it <333 And someone keeps making my days even more awesome :D You know who you are.

Finally

Got my phone to work! After multiple calls to tracfone customer service and talking to outsourced Indians in Calcutta or New Delhi, I got my service and airtime on my new phone so if you have my digits text it up :D
Going to San Francisco this Saturday with some friends to show our portfolios at a convention for art universities. Hoping for a scholarship of some kind, so wish us all luck!

I've been hanging with some new people and it has really helped me out, so thanks Ricardo and Louise, today was hella fun. We have to do that again soon :D

Hopefully my new Wacom Intuos4 Large tablet will get here soon so I can start my AP 2D Design concentration and illustrate my hopelessly long story haha. Huzzah digital painting. For now I just have to push through finals and get to my wonderful four day weekend!

Just keepin up

I just keep updating for myself more than anyone else, since this seems to help my sanity more than I would've guessed. New nails, hair, makeup, jewelry, and clothes after the Christmas season so I did pretty well. ^_^ Although the heinously long trip to Oregon was exhausting, it was quite worth it. Who knew cute college students from LA just popped up on train trips and bought coffee for cute sleeping girls? I didn't :]. Ello Jason, if you followed the link I gave you. Life hasn't been easy over the last two months but its truly looking better for the first time since November 9th, my personal D-Day, and I'm gonna keep moving forward. Just gotta push till the end of my senior year!!! And towards my 18th birthday in a couple weeks haha. Anyway, here are a few more possible portfolio pieces : D